Biography and Selected Writings of Guckers Smoober


  • Baron

    Biography and Selected Writings of Guckers Smoober:

    Edited by: Amye Burk
    p. 626 FC

    Guckers Smoober was a trollish philosopher, inventor, and artist and is widely considered the to be the most influential figure in Abijungyan trollish culture. He was born sometime around the year 500 and lived in the eastern forest. To date, Smoober is the only troll to who has ever been known to express and complex ideas through writing. Though he is not the only troll to ever learn how to write, very few ever do and his writings are the only known example of trollish literature. Smoober’s philosophical teachings and inventions spread throughout the troll clans of Abijungya and have since become the basis for much of their culture. Because of this, Abijungyan trolls are sometimes referred to as “Smooberite Trolls” or “Smoobs.” Not much is known about Smoober other than what is contained in his writings, most of which were recovered from a cave during the Great Troll Hunt of 594 FC. It is assumed that Smoober was killed during the hunt, as the vast majority of the Trollish population was eradicated during this period, though some scholars claim, based on the life expectancy of Trolls, that Smoober likely would have died before the Great Troll Hunt depending on when he was born.

    “All every troll like smash. But why all like? Why thing break make troll happy? Why thing break make not-trolls sad?
    Is because not-trolls having lots stuff. When having stuff and breaks, it makes sad: even trolls. Trolls not having many stuff. When not having stuff, trolls not sad when stuff break, trolls happy because breaking fun. All every stuff break sometimes, and when have stuff is break it makes sad: means have stuff makes sad. Have stuff less, smash stuff more: makes happy trolls.”

    Trolls revel in destruction. Typically, trolls do not destroy for malicious reasons, they simply have an uncontrollable urge to hit, throw, and break things. Since destruction of property would be such a common occurrence in trollish society, Smooberite Trolls instead choose to forgo material possessions altogether, and understand that any material thing one could possess is strictly temporary.

    “Some trolls smashing with use rock, others trolls smashing with use smashing-stick. Rock are heavy, and smash more harder than smashing-stick, but this no mean rock better smash than smashing-stick. Smashing-stick no heavy, means trolls can more smashing before tire. Rock trolls no better than smashing-stick trolls, smashing-stick trolls no better than rock trolls.”

    In Smooberite Troll culture, no single troll has power over another. All trolls are treated as equals (for better and for worse) and it is assumed that every troll is able to be both a teacher and a student to all other trolls, even trollish children are assumed to know at least one thing that they could teach other trolls. Some scholars believe that many of Smoober’s writings were not his original ideas, but rather he ideas he learned from other trolls that he simply wrote down first, though this topic is highly debated.

    “Rock very good smashing. Troll can hold rock and use for smash, troll also can throw rock and rock still smashing. Throw rock is very good smash because when throw rock far away, troll not get hurt by pieces of smash. Throw rock far is very hard, even if troll is very strong, but what if troll no need use arms to throw rock?
    I am invent rock-thrower. Put log on top of log: make ‘X.’ Put heavy rock on end of log and jump on other side of log. Rock gets throw very far. Very good for smash far away”

    On top of being a influential philosopher to the trolls, Smoober is also a celebrated inventor. Some of his creations include the smashing-stick, the pound-grinder, the rock-thrower (a primitive catapult), and the foobler (a trollish percussion instrument).

    “Other trolls no know how write. Other trolls no know how make art. I show trolls how write, trolls smash write-stick. I show trolls how paint, trolls smash paint. I show trolls how make sculpture and trolls make sculpture. Make sculpture is like smash: break rock makes pretty rock: trolls like.
    Just because trolls no think they make art no mean trolls no make art.”

    Smooberite trolls are not known for being connoisseurs of the arts (unless you count eating the artwork) however there is one art form that the trolls participate in and appreciate: sculpture. Trollish sculptors typically don’t concern themselves with trying to achieve a specific form or appearance for their work, instead, trollish sculptures are abstract expressions of their desire to destroy. Critics have described trollish sculpture as “nothing more than interestingly smashed objects” however it is the belief of the Smoobs that in their destruction there is creation.


  • Baron

    I thought his name was supposed to be Smuckers Goober, 4head (/s)

    Jokes aside, I'm really loving this troll philosopher. He speaks the truth. Great post!


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